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Answering the most common questions I get
Can you turn it off?
Are you reading me now?
What is my body language saying?
I am so nervous?
These are the most common questions I get from people when they find out that I teach body language.
Can you turn it off?
Sort answer: Yes
When driving down the road how many signs do you read? Not just how many signs you see, but how many do you actually read? You could read all of them but you don’t because it’s not necessary that you do. It’s not difficult to read them, but you choose not to because of the familiarity of the route you are taking. If you are traveling to a new place or using a new route it is more likely that you will read more of the signs. Reading the signs is easy but reading them for the whole trip becomes mentally fatiguing. If you are familiar with the route you will only notice new or obvious signs.
Are you reading me right now?
Short answer: Yes
Nonverbal communication is older than spoken language and as a baby, you learned/used/perfected it before you could use verbal language.
The point is that everyone is using and reading nonverbals all the time. Many nonverbals are hardwired into the system so everyone is reading everyone, just like speaking on a crowded bus, everyone is listening. They can’t help it. The attention put into reading someone or the nuance to actually understand the person is really what the person is asking. In that sense, unless you have given me a reason to pay attention, I don’t want all that information. There is a lot of information given up in nonverbal communication and I don’t need or want all of your story.
What does my body language say?
Short answer: A LOT!
But it’s not a game you want to play with me, especially in public.
In early 2004, when I first started reading body language, I was impressed with myself. People would hear about it and I would daze them with my knowledge of them (notice I didn’t write dazzle). It was very much like a psychic reading (cold reading) but instead of asking directing questions I would just go off and tell people about their lives. I wanted to show people they couldn’t hide. It was a rough way to deal with people because it makes the person being read sad or defensive. I would rip down their social wall just to prove a point.
Your body language is a book that every human can read. It can be scary or it can be liberating, it allows you to cut through bullshit because you know that they can see all of your scars. So what?!
These days at parties or gatherings I won’t do that to people. I deflect the conversation and most people are good with that. If they continue to harass me I will tell them, “reading people is not something I like to do in a public setting”, or “I don’t ask you to your job without compensation”, and that usually ends it. However, occasionally someone is an asshole and won’t leave me or others alone. I let them have it, both barrels and I do it in a way that is not compassionate. They usually leave shook, but occasionally that person will own it and then everyone present gets a lesson in what can be seen and it is okay to be seen. Which segues into the last question.
I am so nervous!?
Short Answer: No one cares. This sounds harsh but think back to how much you fretted over the outfit you wore to the high school dance. No one cares.
“Now, I am so nervous”, is delivered as a statement but it is actually a question. This person is asking me:
It’s easier to read or pick up details from a picture than from a movie. So, if you try and freeze or show no cues, you actually shine a light on the ones that leak. It gives an easier and cleaner read. The past tense body language cues will show up more clearly and the present time cues will be slowed down making it easier to read.
The key is to know that everyone can read everyone. Some are better than others either through training or natural capacity. If you think about people and running, everyone can run but some are naturally better than others. If you understand that everyone is able, but few people are paying attention to it then you can be yourself. How many people can read the street signs and how many people do?
Even if someone does sit down and take the time to read you, does it matter? Whatever they find doesn’t make you less you. We’re all here and everyone has stuff they’re working through and things they’ve been through.
